I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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