and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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