My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
