woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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