i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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