just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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