i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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