just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He felt like a one man threesome
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She bit a glass in half.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
