i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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