: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
