I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I party with great urgency now.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
