Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
