Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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