She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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