I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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