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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.

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• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior

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• (985): View more from Louisiana

  I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service

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• (678): View more from Georgia

  I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.

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• (727): View more from Florida

  I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning

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• (905): View more from Ontario

  The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR

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• (713): View more from Texas

  Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?

  (1-713): View more from Texas

  Yes I do

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• (714): View more from California

  GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here

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