we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
