I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I supernannyed him into submission
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
