So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
COCAINE IS GR8
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
