I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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