I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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