I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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