If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
