when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
she peed on how many people?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
