god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
This baby is an asshole
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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