I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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