woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
