I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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