i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
