he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
