His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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