i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
