Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize