I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
