Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
