I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
