the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Randomize