Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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