I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
