I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
