May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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