when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
