Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
