Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
