Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
