went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
