Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize