fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
another moral hangover. fuck.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
