This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
