Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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