dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
