I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
