Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
