Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize