I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm like, not good at living.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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