we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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