Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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