Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
