Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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