Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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