I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
