I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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